living like audrey

dream proposal.

2011-12-18T12:17:00.001-08:00

Tiffany & Co. winter ad.

nyc.

snow.

love.

the end,

readers? followers? fans? stalkers?

2011-12-12T18:00:00.001-08:00

since i know you're reading...

maybe i will be writing.

more.

i know who you are.

and thank you.

until later, darling(s)

what do you do when your dreams don't come true?

2011-12-12T17:53:00.000-08:00

a few weeks ago i interviewed for a job at an organization i care a lot about. i have spent a lot of time with these group and truly believe i belonged there, right now. i wanted to work for them, i believed in their mission and i was excited about the future.

after a while i became anxious and impatient because i hadn't heard anything. i came up with these back-up plans, but i guess i never thought i would need them. then the follow-up email came today...

i didn't get the job.

there was a long time where i thought i had it. where i wanted to believe so badly that this was where i was meant to be. but now i am not sure. i have always had my doubts, but maybe this isn't my path. ok, let's get real... obviously it's not (at least for right now). i didn't get the job... i need to find something else.

but what?

i had my mind set on this. on staying in Portland, at least for now. but now i don't know. i don't want to get too comfortable. there are things i want to do, but maybe i put too many eggs in one basket, because now i don't feel like i know how.

kind of feel like i am starting over, and i don't know how. i don't know where to go from the beginning i felt at home, i felt like that was exactly where i was supposed to be. even after the doubts and frustrations, i believed in this organization, and truly thought they believed in me. but at least for right now, i am not a good fit. i need to get experience (well if that wasn't the understatement of the century.) i need to live, but here as a 24 year old... i don't feel like i know how.

a few months ago i had the life-changing experience... then i started an internship and truly began to learn about what i wanted out of my career. when i went back to maui in november.. i felt like it was all coming together. all of this divine timing and great opportunities. it's all i talked about. well what a bust. it didn't work out. i've gotta start over.

thankfully i am surrounded by amazing people. these people who wanted to know if there was any word on the position or updates... and when i told them, their overwhelming support brought tears to my eyes. to have people that are you "biggest cheerleaders" and who support you so wholeheartedly is the best thing in the world.

sure, i am still bitter. maybe a little angry. and kind of a lot confused and slightly lost as to where to go now... but i have my entire life ahead of me. so i find new dreams... learn something else. find another organization or career that i fit into better.

not quite sure where.

there's the idea of moving.
not holding on to "what could be" but making it happen and moving on if it doesn't.

i just don't know.
now i am ranting and rambling.

maybe i will find some sort of clarity... soon.
maybe?

until later, darling.

lamp posts

2011-11-14T19:07:00.001-08:00

today i decided i was going to do something for ME...

something to kind of take my mind off of all of the craziness and emotions.

so i am making an album on fbook dedicated to light fixtures...

because i love them.

i also love my o'hana!

it was soooo nice to fbook chat with everyone today!

words of wisdom... wisdom of words

2011-11-12T15:44:00.000-08:00

not to long ago i was told something...

this phrase, this key to life, this lesson is sticking with me.

it's more than just a lifestyle or a dream or something to strive for...

it's real.

and right now it's hitting harder than ever.

what does it mean to be scared?

yet to be able to wander into the world being fearless...

but not fearless in the sense that you aren't necessarily afraid...

more being exciting that you are a bit scared.

it makes you feel alive.

it allows you to live.

as long as you don't let it hold you back.

i am scared.

i am at this turning point... this transition period.

i have no idea what is going to happen.

so here are those words of wisdom

and may you find the wisdom in these words

there comes a point in your life when you are scared, when you have to choose between settling and being 'comfortable' and stepping outside that comfort box. to put yourself on the line for what you want. if you're scared, if you're anxious, if you're willing to put it all on the line just to see what happens, if you're willing t bet on yourself... but most of all... if that path that is in fron of you is testing you, making you anxious and you're a little scared... you're in the right place. go for it.

until later, darlings.

the best thing to hold onto in life, is each other.

2011-11-05T09:57:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here after sleeping on the beach and wondering how I am going to be able to say goodbye to the most amazing people I have met in my life. I was blessed to be able to return to the beautiful island of Maui for the second survivor camp with athletes for cancer. When I came I knew it would be different from the last camp, but I wsnt sure how different if could be. I different I could allow myself to be.

My life has changed.

Again.

The first time around I was able to let go. Or begin to let go of my past, of the negativity that had surrounded my life, my diagnosis, and my survivorship. I remember specific moments with specific people that completely pinpoint these moments of change... How do I thank them?

This camp I have let myself share my story, not the old one... The real one. The story that has allowed me to live for the first time since surviving cancer.

At this camp I have been allowed to meet the most amazing, strong, loving, genuine, powerful, tenacious, beautiful people. I don't know how to tell them how much they mean to me. And I don't know how to tell them that I don't want to let go.

This week will stay with all of us forever. It will be this beacon of hope and this story of pride for all of us. I have no doubt that we will keep in touch and share life beyond the island of Maui. Its learning to tell people how much they mean to me that is a problem.

That problem is probably rooted in my past, in not allowing myself to truly live for fear of someone leaving me. Not leaving me in the sense of dying (although the thought of that frightens terribly) more leaving ME because I am not good enough. And this is the insecurity I have had the most difficulty breaking. That fear of rejection. I like to admit that it isn't there... But it is. I need to accept that to be able to move on.

And here we go... Back to audrey -because don't all things amazing find a way back-

'the best thing to hold onto in life, is each other'

These amazing people are not going anywhere but back home. They are not leaving my life... Well if I can help it. :)

There aren't words (that I know how to SAY, write? Now that's a different story) to describe how much each and everyone of these people has changed my life... Has given me life.

Through their love and support I have learned to live. Live a life I wasn't sure I could, and live it with faith that it will all work out the way that it should.

This is the life we are all meant to live. The one that is fearless, and strong. aware and powerful. emotional and sacred. REAL AND ALIVE.

o'hana.
family.
faith.
love.
mana'olana.

I am not letting you go.

(until later, darling)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Maui Sunrise

2011-11-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

two posts + one week = insanity. [secrets]

2011-10-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

typically i stay away from personal posts.

well personal in directing feelings towards politics or religion or boys or my relationships.

you know.. i just discuss my insecurities, frustrations, cancer, love, and um... gloriana.

it's a difficult balance.

but maybe this will tip it.
i will write it. we will see how long it stays up.

every since postsecret.com started i have often thought about what my "secret" would me. i know what it is. i want to make my 'postcard' but am missing one special element... the secret.

#oops

here i am at the starting point.. and i don't know where to start.

alright.. let's just go with it.
let use.. tim tebow as the exmaple.
he started all of this afterall.

irrelevant details on tim tebow:
heisman winner
university of florida alum
professional quarterback
denver bronco starting qb

relevant details on tim tebow:
passionate
dedicated
(ok) attractive
founder of tim tebow foundation
family oriented
strong willed
religious
christian

and just to note... all details on tim tebow are relevant. the latter are just more specific to this post. :)

ok. basically anyone who knows me knows i have this giant crush on and admiration for tim tebow. not only is this amazingly dedicated athlete, he is an all-around amazing person. he has this passion for life and dedication to perfection and god (read his book. )

my background:
i am stubborn passionate and an avid fan of good people. people who know who they are, improve on themselves and take what they love and turn it into something that changes people's lives. those people are my favorite. i am extremely dedicated and have an immense amount of faith. but i am not religious. now let's end the debate here. i believe in god. i don't know what god. i don't know what he OR SHE looks like or sounds like or what book they trust. i know that there is something more than me and everyone else on this planet. i know there is a destiny for me and that there is a higher power. i pray. i ask for miracles. i pray for cures and i ask for forgiveness. i just cannot classify who i am asking. and i am ok with this. i guess i am technically nondenominational agnostic theist? but i don't like labels. i don't need guidance or arguments. i believe what i believe. the end.

the problem.
i see to fall for these guys who are extremely dedicated and passionate and religious. i get insecure. i do. it is hard for me to see where they come from. i have never been able to rely, entirely, on someone/something else. to chalk up all of my questions to one answer, that is in god's hands. i commend these men (just being specific based on the topic of the blog) for being able to believe whole-heartedly in something. it's inspiring. being religious is not a problem... it's the fear that my belief will not work with their's. i guess a problem a lot of people deal with, conflicting religions.

often, without knowing... i am attracted to these guys. these amazing guys who dedicate their life to doing SO MUCH for others. yet i feel like because my beliefs aren't the same, i may not find that guy who believes in so much more than himself, but also believes in helping the world be a better place.

cut to the chase.
the secret:

"i am afraid that being non-religious will keep me from finding an amazing guy who loves me for me (and my beliefs)."

[note: i do not only look to date 'tim tebow' types, or religious guys. just something that i have thought about lately, and wanted to write about]

until later, darling

life. love. and the mystery of it all. part one.

2011-10-15T15:45:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here at my best friend's house listening to random songs by the civil wars!

heard of them?
now that you have, officially... look them up.
now.

alright back to the blog.
lately i have been thinking about life far more than i should. i feel old. too old, damn old soul of me. but i seem to think tlike i have fallen behind. finally i have figured out where i want my career to lead me... but i have this awful thought that maybe everything else will get left behind. in the shadows... idk.

then this old gloriana song comes to minAin't that the way it goes?

Always stumbling into something
Life's an open road
You've gotta take it
If you just let go
Loose your way to find that one thing that you've been missing
You almost missed it all.

makes sense right? like if you just live it will all come together... but if you stray off the path to search for the one thing you want,you might lost it all.

i don't want to lose it all.
but i don't want to just be the career woman.

i know. i am 24... too young to be thinking about it all, right? ... right?!?

or do i have the lyrics right? do i have the meaning down correctly.
i guess it's figuring out what is important.
following your dreams or following that "path."

the path you always think you are meant to follow, but are we?

is there such thing as a path that is going to get us to where we want (or need) to be... or is it one we have to stray from and find our own?

i had this amazing conversation with a co-worker the other day. about path's and going the right places, and how the years between 23 and 27 will basically form you into the person you are meant to become, in agood way.

so i am smack dab in the middle of these years.

but then that quote from "something borrowed" comes to mind. there rachel is, on the corner of a street in new york in the middle of the night. she has just turned thirty and she is convinced the world is against her, that she ahs wasted her life working and not living.

**
Rachel: "Oh look, there's an old maid in the window. Let's get her a cab."

Ethan: "Okay, you're not old. You're just a lawyer. It's different."

Rachel: "I'm serious Ethan. Thirty is not that young."

Ethan: "Ten second pity party. Go!"

Rachel: "I'm passed my prime child bearing years."

Ethan: "Wow! Okay. I didn't know we were going dark."

Rachel: "I wasted my entire 20's. And I hate my job."

i am four years into my twenties
i know i am not normal.
the bar or club is not my favorite place in the world.
my idea of a dance party involves an ipod, bottle of white wine, and my best friend.
my boobs to not hit my chin when i dress up due to an overly padded push-up.
i dress in layers. many, many layers. cute layers, but layers none the less.
my life consists of working two jobs and interning... and volunteering on the side... and sometimes a third job.
i go home and watch my shows before falling asleep, before 9pm.

am i wasting my twenties?
seriously, old soul. should have been in my twenties... during the 50s/60s.
well aside from the stay at home house wife. i would get bored i like working. usually.

so where is the balance?
yes, i do, usually, enjoy what i am doing. but i am not the girl to hit the town on fridays nights. i am the girls who likes to watch movies, get tattoos and hang out at a corn maze on my days off. (haha, the most rebellious pice of my life is a tattoo gun. not my own. or even one i visit often. more piece of self-expression. moving on)

i go through these stages thinking i need to plan my life. but there are options. it was suggested that i plan three or four different routes. to give my self options.

but how do i plan love.
and how do i find it when i am not where everyone else is at.
i mean seriously... my bar scene exists... after camp... or during a friends 21st and lets face it, i am running out of friends who have yet to turn 21.

it's fun. but it's not my life. it's not what i look forward to on the weekends.
i look forward to sleeping in and seeing the people i don't get to see during the week because i work, a lot.

now i am just rambling...
i should be doing something else.

probably getting ready to go out.
that would be the normal thing to do.

until later, darling.

Oooooh you know... Gloriana

2011-09-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

Today I went and saw Gloriana... Again. And now back on the road for the four hour trip I am just thinking about life, and work and dreams and hopes and what I want.

For the past five months I have been the happiest I have ever been. I have been working my dream job. From ithe time I walked into the office, the Children's Cancer Association has felt like home. It has always felt like that was where I was supposed to be.

It is all coming to an end on thursday. The 29th is my last day, and I am dreading it. I don't want to leave. I found the organization that represents everything I care about. After Hero this weekend I now realize how much cca means to me and my career.

And how it all comes back to Gloriana. They say, during every show... How much it means to them to be living their dream. To have people show up to their shows and support them. Now granted I can't sing or even keep rhyme so that is not my career path. Mine is to help kids battling cancer so spread stories and hope.

I do not want to leave cca. Not at all. But at least I know there's always a chance to make it back. It is my dream, and we all know dreams can come true.

As always Gloriana has inspired me beyond the words of this blog. There will be more, I am sure.

Until later, darling
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

cancer.

2011-09-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

september is pediatric cancer awareness month. although i have been a survivor all of my life, it doesn't make my story any easier to tell. today, it took less than an hour for a child to point out my differences. and it continued the entire afternoon. as strong as i can be, i will never be able to make it so that another child doesn't have to go through this. but i am doing as much as i can to try. mana'olana.

The new way to blog!

2011-08-03T23:05:00.001-07:00

Let's see how this works.
Often times I am closer to my phone, than my computer when I have something to say.

Now I have a solution...
I hope.
This is the test...
Here goes nothing darlings!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

bah.

2011-03-08T12:17:00.001-08:00

really i should be getting ready for coffee time with my best friend.

but here i am.

i am stuck in a rut.

major issue.

for me.

i have this feeling like i am running out of time.

like my schedule is so full that i will have no possible means of fitting everything in.

which is not true.

it's like i am always late or early... but never on time for my own life.

nothing feel quire right...

so i dilly-dally around.

or arrive too early, talk too much, and ultimately put myself behind from where i was.

this does not make sense.

i feel like i have written some obnoxious poem, intentionally, for everyone to figure out.

not true.

instead i am just stuck.

i need to write more.

but i am not sure if i should make it all public, you know on the blog...

or in a journal.

and when will i have time.

why am i on this mental scheduling kick.

boo.

until later, darling.

what it means to be beautiful... the polar oppsites that decide what is beautiful.

2011-03-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

Although this post should really work as an update on all things 'living like audrey' this post will be more of a rant. i am frustrated. i am frustrated with society and beauty and what it means to be gorgeous.

guy or girl... man or woman, there are means and standards that universally decide whether or not you're beautiful. granted there are differences based on culture and such... but for the most part, or maybe my ignorance is inhabiting my brain and it's only america. or oregon. or just the people i see or the movies/tv shows i watch. but there is definitely something that doesn't add up. there isn't an in between here. there isn't a true medium or middle to beauty. you're pretty or you're hideous. skinny and (close to obese) over-weight is beautiful... but if you are in the middle you don't stand a chance.

now before i go any further i must say that anything i say is a reflection on society. for instance... saying bigger or fat typically means plus size... if you are plus size then that is amazing. it's all about being able to love your body. although there will be tendencies f jealousy or frustration... all in all i do (want to) believe that you should love the body you're in. i believe in being healthy... and maybe all of this stems from my own insecurities... but either way... i need to vent.

i just say a couple of movies today... 'beastly' and 'the adjustment bureau.' although it was indeed beastly that spurred this particular intense round of frustration... i have been thinking this way for a while. just last week i was discussing the idea of skinny and fat. you're either skinny and beautiful or fat and beautiful. there isn't an average and beautiful. there's a size two gorgeous and a size 14+ gorgeous. there isn't a size 4, 6, 8. or 10 gorgeous. not in our society. really although you may be average at those sizes, that means nothing. other than maybe you are judged more. you'r eon the verge of being either or... but you're not quite there yet. but if you gain weight that is noticed and criticized. if you lose weight you have an eating disorder. there's no happy medium. you love your body and you're skinny or you love your body and you're fat. for instance... let's just look at popular tv.

say yes to the dress is a great show. i love it. but in the last year that have been two "spin offs" one is say yes to the dress: atlanta... and well say yes to the dress: big bliss. i can guess that the idea for the show came from non thin/skinny people (of all sizes) being frustrated with the popular show for not accurately showing the true body types of america. really much of say yes to the dress (the original) shows many, many girls who fit into the sample sizes. why, even the shows 'hosts'... consultants point out that most women do not fit into the sample sizes. yet most of the women they show FIT INTO THEM... meaning.. well... they show the skinny girls. the skinny girls get the guy, get the dress, get the wedding and life of their dreams. so then they come out with 'big bliss.' since obviously brides at kleinfeld's are skinny and beautiful and get happy endings and beautiful... or they are larger "big" and find amazing dresses that make them feel self-confident and amazing and have happily ever afters.

there's no in the middle.
you either fit into the normal sample sizes... or you fit into the plus-sized sample sized dresses.

or america's next top model. the show that puts women at competition with each other to find who can contort their body the most and still look "graceful" who requires the least amount of photoshopping to appear beautiful but best yet... it determines who, with the tool of photoshop, can look the best. most of the girls are less than a size 2, yet show off styles and supermodel aspirations of far to many girls. and then, if you're lucky you get to see the season with the "plus size girl" who is usually a size 12.. the almost too small to be plus size, but obviously entirely to large to be a "normal" model. therefore she may just be stuck in the middle. good bye model dreams or hello dramatic weight loss or nightly comfort food sessions to gain the desired weight to be 'perfect'

there are so many things wrong with this. yes, i have issues with my body. my weight. i get discouraged when i exercise. i constantly think that i am not good enough. i fight to be ok with myself. so maybe all of this just points to my insecurities that have grown into frustration with beauty and society all because i am not comfortable with myself. maybe it's just MY problem. and everyone else can move beyond this.

but then again, maybe i am seized by the image society has determined pretty. and i don't feel like i am either one. and although you can watch and hear as many things as you want about how society doesn't portray the right form of beauty and that beauty is "in the eye of the beholder" blah blah blah. but what if all of those beholders are products of a society that determines beauty to be a certain way? with technology and tv and the internet becoming more prominent how will there ever be a means to decipher it all?

in just over a month before i go to maui for a cancer survivor surf camp. basically one of the coolest opportunities i will ever come upon... yet i am scared. i am not scared of the water, the flight, the people, the camp the anything rational... i am scared of now i am going to look in a swimsuit. after trying on tops, i didn't want to go. i wanted to back out. i have a big rear, i have thunder thighs and i have cellulite. i always have. and yet, i am not comfortable with it. i hate it. i feel so insecure, so self-conscious i almost backed out. i am not skinny... i think i am fat but i am not big enough to be plus-size. i am stuck in this bullsh*t middle ground. i am stuck feeling that i am not good enough for either of society's expectations. that i am not good enough not only for tv or movies, but most importantly the normal people. the normal guys who i 'have a chance' with... because we all know i am not pretty enough, skinny enough, short enough or (doubtfully) tall enough (just in case i am fighting for a chance with a pro basketball player).

obviously this all points to just having issues with self-acceptance. i have no freaking idea how come i have so many issues with this. i always have. i go through moments where i think i am ok. then something happens... i eat a giant meal, i find out some guy i like(d) is going to be where i am going to be, or i see the differences between me and someone who has had more luck than i have had and it falls to pieces. i begin to turn my life upside-down (if only for a moment) to think of what it's going to take to impress myself and yes... him. ERG. but then i get past the euphoria of dieting and exercising and i get discouraged. i get frustrated. i feel like i am not good enough. i don't run as fast or as long, it won't lose the weight, i won't look as skinny as others, the cellulite won't go away... so why even try. then i find myself curled up in my chair watching tv.

i don't want to constantly be comparing myself to others, to look to others and wish i was them or wish i could eat like they did and not gain weight or even wish that i wasn't hungry and didn't have t eat as much as others. wishing that i was skinnier or prettier or shorter. i want that boy to like me for who i am so that i can like me for who i am. and i know, trust me i know how stupid and dependent and ridiculous that sounds. and maybe for so long i have convinced myself that's what i 'need' that now i can't fight it. i don't know. that's how it feels. and that's how it has felt for a long time.

so now it comes to... to post or not to post. and if i post is it meant for people to read and gain opinions from... or is it just meant to sit here. how much of my insecurities to i want to expose to the masses of the internet? then do i want post it on twitter or facebook to gain opinions and thoughts on society. i am not fishing for the comment that says that i am crazy for thinking this way, or that i am pretty or beautiful (as my mom likes to tell me, which despite what sh says i do still believe she is saying it because she is my mother). i wish i knew what it would take for me to believe it. to really wholeheartedly believe that i am enough for that right guy. or that just because society and magazine and tv doesn't project the beauty i have doesn't mean it's not there.

but i guess it comes time to post this. to let it be what it is. to let it all out there. to say it to the internet even if i am not quite saying it all out loud.

que sera

right?

until later, darling

tomorrow.

2011-02-17T23:26:00.000-08:00

tomorrow i get to see Gloriana for the first time since last january.
I AM NERVOUS.

i won passes to see an afternoon radio performance.
but i also, somehow, was invited to another radio station's lunch with gloriana. literally have know idea how that happened. but i am not complaining. i am BEYOND excited.

really... with the moment i have been looking forward to for over a year a mere 12 hours away... i was drawn back here. back to the blog. back to the words that changed everything.

i must have gone off track a little bit. reading what i wrote over a year ago brought me back to where i need to be. something must have happened in the last few months to make me doubt myself yet again. doubt my outfit for tomorrow, doubt in a lot.

but once i read my own words... i was inspired? yeah. a bit weird. but i guess it goes to show that this whole "being ok" with yourself is a constant battle. it's a constant mindset.

ok. now i am just zooming off on some crazy tangent. and really i just need to get some sleep. tomorrow is going to be amazing. and crazy and GLORIANA.

more updates to come.
because, you know... I do have a new resolution! =)

until later, darling.

i believe in pink

2010-12-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

soooooo incase anyone is looking to buy me a wonderful christmas present (lol)...

yesterday at the blockbuster in my hometown... they had an audrey poster. one of those half posters, that look like a full-length mirrors... well it was audrey standing in her signature black leggings and black shirt with her arms crossed and a semi-smile on her face. the background is pink. and in the upper left hand corner it says "i believe in pink." the rest of my favorite quote is typed, ongoing- throughout the entire length of the poster-repeated, i almost bought it. but i am broke. =)

until later or until i think of another poster/present, darling.

picking off where i left off...

2010-12-07T11:11:00.000-08:00

the plan to have a living like audrey blog was achieved. the plan to update it daily was not... let alone weekly, yeah.. NO. i seem to be having trouble keeping it updated consistently. and now it's the 7th of december, i have posted 23 times and my year of living like audrey is almost over. so here we go. i left off talking about the birthday month... which based on my horoscope is... october.

I turned 23 on september 30th... and went back to my 4 years deep roots. laaaaa grande. although looking back it was less audrey-like than i was prepared to write about. i got to be around some amazing people and that was the good part. oh and there was a bottle of wine that had a stick drawing that looked like audrey. i didn't buy it though... i am afraid of wine; and ultimately spending money on a kind that i don't like. which basically comes down to... i only try wine when it's free... i.e. family weddings. so alert to family members... get married and have various different kinds of wine! ok. moving on.

this next thing... definitely more audrey like. i deleted my facebook for a month. yup an entire month... and even then i couldn't bring myself to update this blog. geez. but not visiting a social networking site was something audrey would have approved of. i left because it was taking up too much time, i was letting it become my life. and really i realized that people turn to the anonymity of the internet too often. and i was tired of that. so there, in those moments of deactivation... i channeled audrey.

the next couple of weeks were tough. on october 12th i had to make the hardest decision i have had to make. i had to put my very own mr. famous to sleep. Bronx, my beloved bunny, had a congenital spinal disorder or something and was becoming paralyzed. i noticed that he wasn't using his back feet correctly... and it would only get worse from there. when i got him into the vet, he had about two weeks left... and those two weeks would have been horrible. i couldn't watch him suffer! so i held him for a long time, and then handed him off to one of the assistants. i know audrey loved her yorkie, mr. famous, dearly... and i don't know how she would have handled letting him go. but i know that it was hard. and it still is... when you have a pet or a person in your life, that can be credited to really saving your life... it's very hard to see them go. and it's still hard not to have him here.

throughout october i was able to start working and continue to volunteer at the hospital and i was also able to volunteer with camp again. working with the kids at club is great. i, usually, feel like i am doing something good. at the hospital i know i am doing something good. and at camp... i know i feel good. camp is that amazing place where you can go and have everyone understand you... and where you can understand everyone else. it's a place where you can feel whole. camp was exactly what i needed that weekend, in that moment.

since then... things have been though. i wish audrey had a chance to write an advice book, or an autobiography. it would have been nice to know how she dealt with her life. yes she deserves the right of privacy. but i would have liked to know. i really would have liked to be able to look to more of her words for guidance. there are only so many quotes that are published... and sometimes googling a topic followed by "audrey hepburn" doesn't always turn up positive results.

but there have been good times. even though at this very moment it feels like the bad are overwhelming. i have amazing friends and family and a perfect new bunny to keep me smiling. so with that... this update should be over. because right now i just feel a giant vent/meltdown and i don't think audrey would approve.

so even though there are only 23 or so days left in this commitment. i am going to work to update more consistently. maybe i will even double my posts. =)

until later, darling.

birthday month

2010-09-09T18:20:00.000-07:00

alright i am a terrible blogger...

but my idea for living like audrey is not terrible...

i was reading my monthly issue of Glamour

naturally i flipped to the end to read my horoscope

incase i forget to mention... this issue has MY horoscope in it...
i am a libra.
and it is my birthday month.
so it's my birthday issue..

AND it said...

"the planets on team Libra say you should borrow style and/or attitude from someone you admire-think AUDREY HEPBURN"

ps... gloriana is performing as i type... AND... it's a live stream! =)

breakfast at tiffany's (in theaters)

2010-07-30T17:10:00.000-07:00

tonight i am off to the theater to see

breakfast at tiffany's on the big screen

mmhmm. i am dressing up a bit wearing a fifties inspired purple halter sundress and white pointed toe flats!

here's to living like audrey

and updating this blog more.

until later, darling

a week can change your life.

2010-07-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

it has been too long since i have jumped on this blog to record my inner thoughts, frustrations, inspirations and motivations behind "living like audrey"

although I have so much to say and write about, i have no idea where to begin.

i guess with just what's going through my head right now.

have you have had the opportunity to meet someone, or maybe more than one someone who completely changes your life, the way you see living and your perspective. well although I wish i could say i have actually met audrey hepburn, she is not the person i am speaking of. last week from june 20th through the 26th i had the opportunity to be around some of the most amazing people on this plant. i volunteered for an American Cancer Society sponsered camp, and was able to spend a week with children and adults who have been personally affected by cancer. even though this was my second year at camp, there was no way that that first week in june of 2009 would prepare me for those 7 days last week.

so meet children who are fighting (or who have fought) for their life, it's crazy. although i am blessed ot have survived cancer, and although those experiences have made me who i am, and have made me appreciate life.... i don't think it is fair for those little ones to have to fight. to see ten year olds who can raddle off chemo procedures and medications like they are homework assignments is heartbreaking. i love, so much, that there is a camp for them to experience... and although I love SO MUCH that i have the opportunity to meet these people and spend time with them... I WISH there wasn't a camp. I wish that these kids didn't have to fight this battle. i wish there innocence stayed with them, and that they could realize the precious moments of life without having it be on the verge of ending. it's not fair.

i have this problem of feeling that i need to save everyone. i get too emotionall involved, or so i have been told... but how can you not. i want, so badly, to save these kids form their hardships. it's not fair that they should have to spend a moment of their childhood in a hospital attached to life by tubes. i am fortunate enough to have survived, and to have gone through my treatments as a baby. true i still have my struggles and insecurities as a survivor but i am here, and for the most part had a normal childhood. and not a self-defined normal. i went to school, i didn't lose my hair, i was able to play sports, and run around on playgrounds instead of hospitals. i am so thankful, yet in a moment i would gladly trade places with those children at camp. but i can't. i cna't save everyone. I can't graduate as a doctor tomorrow so that i can help find a cure, i can't snap my fingers and become a nurse so that i can be up at the hospital giving support.i feel so helpless in ways. there is so much i want to do to help.

i am not sure how audrey did all that she did. from visiting war-torn countries and villages in africa to devoting her post hollywood life to unicef and making a difference. it is hard to see anyone suffering, let alone little children who never really had the chance to grow up. i don't want to sound morbid. so often these kids are still able to live life to the fullest. they are able to see their life for what it is, understand their sickness and are determined to LIVE. it's a life changing experience to see the determination in these kids' eyes. they are unstoppable. and truly unbelievable.

i have deifnitely skipped around a bit on this post. there's just so much going through my head. so much i wish i could say, but don't know how.

i feel so honored to have met the amazing campers (and counselors) from Camp UKANDU.

until later, darling

procrastination

2010-05-31T18:51:00.000-07:00

sooooo many things to think about.
including:
-real life
-camp
-finding a job!!!
-graduation
-drama
-dreams
-hopes
-disappointment
-loneliness
-success
-boredom

BAH!
i am currently sitting here on the floor of the apartment i will be living in for only 12 more days. Soon I will graduate with a degree in history! and i am jobless. I want to make a difference... but it seems that passion is not enough of a qualification. =( i do have experience, yet not enough... i guess? I JUST WANT TO GET OUT THERE AND DO SOMETHING! anyone hiring? i love non-profits. I love helping people, this is what I want to do... but I guess the economy has more to say about this...

i am so excited for camp. i want it to be amazing. and life changing. i want to make these kids' dreams come true. i want them to see that there is more out there, that they can accomplish anything. I want to bring amazing people to these amazing kids. I feel there are so many people out there that can make a difference. I love 'The Buried Life' everything about them... from their passion for people to their devotion to dreams and accomplishing them. this is what camp is all about. and Gloriana... these are some of my favorite people and I want to badly to share their music and all-around amazingness with these kids. I want to give back... but how?!

this floor is becoming increasingly uncomfortable.

so what would audrey do... how would she fight back. I need a job, but I NEED to doing something. I hate sitting here just thinking about what I could be doing... but thanks to finances and life and the economy I feel stuck.

so what does it all mean?
am I not doing enough?
how do I do more?
HOW DO I GET PEOPLE TO SEE ME?!
i want to do more. i truly want to make a difference.
i am frustrated.
and I should really start the homework I have waiting for me...
or maybe i will just watch more netflix haha

be ready... i am back. blogging is going to increase.
until later, darling

ps... i am not giving up. =)

what it means to grow up... (written a few days ago)

2010-05-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

I really need to find my “What Would Audrey Do?” book… it has been misplaced for a while, and well… so have I. Graduation is coming, I should be excited. But I’m not. It’s hard to want to world for yourself, and see it staring right at you… but not knowing how you’re going to be able to handle it is the worst. I am afraid of my past. I am worried I won’t be able to handle it, yet I still search for it, I still search for my moment, my chance to grow into the person I have always wanted to be.

But what should be my limit, how much should I have to sacrifice? How did Audrey survive living away from her friends and family? Moving away, following my heart and following my dreams is so hard. I don’t want to be left behind, left behind in the sense that the people I care abut most will get used to me being away. I have always been the one to make the effort, to drive or fly home. What will happen when I can’t do that while in Denver. Colorado is not within driving distance from Portland, I would have to fly. And so would everyone else…

But what will happen if they don’t? I don’t want to lose my family and friends just so I can follow my dreams. What is the point of being happy and following your dreams if no one that you love is there to see you accomplish it all?

How do you know what you’re doing is the right decision? I mean, I know I will know people there… But how will I survive on the minimum wages of Americorps? How will I be able to be happy if I feel stuck. Yet, this is what I really want to do. I do want to move to Denver, and I do want to get involved, to find a life for myself, to better myself, but I don’t want to do it alone. I have spent so much time being alone, and feeling alone, I don’t know if I can do it anymore. But is it worth being around the people I love if that means I can’t do what I want to do? I don’t know why Denver feels so.. right. At least at this moment it does. I don’t know what that means, but it’s a sign right? I should follow through with this.

But, I shouldn’t get too caught up in all of this… it’s just an interview. With my luck I will have my heart set on this, and it won’t work out.

I don’t want to be a disappointment. Not to my family, but definitely not to my self. I don’t want to feel like I have settled, yet I don’t want to feel depressed or regretful about my decision. I DO WANT THIS.

I hope it wants me too.

Until Later, Darling…

breakfast at tiffany's

2010-04-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

since it's been over a month since i went to new york... i believe i should update the blog.

this will be a short update...

BUT

it will be amazing.

see I went to TIFFANY & CO.
you know the one on 5th Avenue in NYC.
i fell in love.
and I made a purchase.
and no, it was not a diamond.
according to 'audrey' you can't wear diamonds until you're like... 60.

beyond that... senior year is coming to a close.
I have lost my "what would audrey do?" book.
and right now... i am needing some audrey guidance.
so i am off...
falling asleep to 'breakfast at tiffany's' should be amazing.

until later, darling.

new york, new york

2010-03-18T00:13:00.000-07:00

as i sit here waiting for my clothes to finish drying, i realize how much has changed since i last stepped foot in new york city. it was always my dream to go there, and now it has turned into my dream to revisit. I LOVE NEW YORK. it is one of my favorite places i have ever visited. i feel like i am a completely different person since i last walked the streets of the city. and i am so excited for me to experience my dream as this person.

living like audrey has helped me see the world differently. i have come to value myself and my surroundings. i am beyond excited to see the city with my best friend. i cannot wait to show her my dream. i cannot wait to sleep in the city that never sleeps. and i cannot wait for breakfast at tiffany's.

a goal for the trip to to take a bagel and cup of coffee to eat while standing in front of the building that is now so famous. i love the opening scene from 'breakfast at tiffany's.' i really do. i love the music, her dress, the dixie cup and her non-nonchalant stare through the window. i love her hair, her dress and oh goodness the necklace. i want to live carefree in the city. and be able to love, truly love being there.

the last time i was there is was a dream come true, but one no one saw. i wasn't able to experience my sought after happiness with my family and best friend. but now it's completely different. and i am so, SO excited.

i know that the person i am now is not jsut shaped by audrey. but a lot of this person is shaped by camp. i took my love for nyc and spread it through camp ukandu. the first intersection i ever memorized was 11th and bleecker. the magnolia bakery. mmm. my name at camp is bleeker (note the missing "C", everyone forgets it anyway). I took the love and security of the city and applied to one area of my life where i was most insecure... being a cancer survivor. i am now so proud of what i have gone through and how it has shaped the person i am. i am going to show off my tattoo as much as i can. i am going to seek the love of new york (even though everyone says it's the coldest city in the world). I am going to go to tiffany's central park, the empire state building, and every pinkberry on that island. hmm maybe i'll have to be eating pinkberry in front of tiffany's that would truly be me.

i am ready to be happy. i am ready for this dream. i am truly ready to go back to new york!

so please excuse the absense. i may have a chance to update form my ipod, but i will be away from the internet for the most part. if you would like updates follow me on twitter. @tinaraeh

until later, darling.

The Buried Life

2010-03-15T12:01:00.001-07:00

For those of you who don't know what "the buried life" is... here's a little intro
"if you had one day to live, what would you do? would you climb a mountain? would you kiss the girl of your dreams? would you tell someone how you really feel? now if you had a whole lifetime to live, would you lose that drive? or would your list just keep getting longer?... We left with a promise, for everything we crossed off our list, we'd help someone cross something off of theirs" - The Buried Life opening credits.

I love this show. It's funny, heartbreaking, lovely, amazing, hilarious, brilliant, inspiring and very audrey like. So here is the next mission... I want to bring the Buried Life to a Camp that I do every summer. Camp Ukandu. It's an American Cancer Society sponsored camp in Gresham Oregon. The Camp is week long, and is for children dealing with cancer, and their siblings. it's a week for them to be "normal" and to not be the kid who is sick, or the kid who has cancer. Having been this kid, the camp is amazing. I have learned SO MUCH from these children. They live each day without taking it for granted. They love life, and the change I have seen in myself since last june is due to this camp.

SO i want to bring "The Buried Life" to Camp Ukandu. the camp runs from June 19th - June 26th. First I need to get their attention. then they needs to say they will do it, then I need to get them in touch with the Camp Director. So I need help. In true audrey fashion, I want to help others. I want to bring these 4 amazing ugys to camp, they have an awesome story and live each day to the fullest. that have dreams and hopes and yet are extremely realistic. i love the show, and this is something I would love to make happen. Also, I will disclose that it is one of my dreams to meet these for guys, Duncan especially (yeah, I have a crush, maybe I should be more audrey-like and keep this private. =) ). I do want to meet them. But more importantly, I want the buried life boys to experience camp. Its life changing and amazing. and even more important than that, I want to bring these boys to camp for the kids. I just think it would be amazing. such a great message. I don't know how to explain it. but it's true.

So here is where all of you guys come in.
In TRUE Buried Life Fashion... attack the social networking sites. HAHA
here's the blog http.
http://livinglikeaudrey.blogspot.com/

here's the e-mail address to forward to them for inquiry information
BringTBLtoUKANDU.2010@gmail.com

They have a facebook. a twitter. a website. and a forum. Spread the word!

facebook-
http://www.facebook.com/#!/buriedlife?ref=ts

Twitters (@reply) [ps my twitter is @tinaraeh]

The Buried Life
http://twitter.com/theburiedlife

Ben Nemtin-
http://twitter.com/BenNemtin

Duncan Penn-
http://twitter.com/duncanpenn

Jonnie Penn-
http://twitter.com/jonniepenn

Dave Lingwood-
http://twitter.com/Dave_Lingwood

TBL Website
http://theburiedlife.com/blog/

Send them a link to this post or this blog.
Tweet them. with the blog address and email. PLEASE HELP! =)
I will be updating with this more later. Now it's time for starbucks. =)
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP!! =)
thanks,
until later, darling

sometimes... living like audrey isn't so... graceful

2010-03-10T19:00:00.000-08:00

I have been reading my book. and i think i have been doing fairly well at my resolution. I am working on staying positive, taking me time, and flirting. haha. yes, well flirting is very audrey. she was very charismatic, and nice and started conversations. so i am trying. the only problem is... Christina is seeming to take over where Audrey was supposed to be helping. I am notoriously HORRIBLE when it comes to having crushes. If I am not like Gigi Philips from "He's Just Not That Into You" i am avoid them at all costs. there is no healthy in between and it's frustrating. yes indeed it is. it seems that i can never find a healthy medium. so i give up. it's a terrible, vicious circle, but it's one i travel often.

the next step now... is to vent. and probably end up putting myself down. which is not very audrey like. so i need advice. help?

until later, darling.

hello, darling... it's been a while

2010-03-07T21:01:00.001-08:00

like audrey i took a few days to escape.
i had one of those weeks where i needed to get away from life.
and then when i got back, i had a thesis due.
after that, the week just flew by.
excuses aside, i'm back and ready to go.
so here we go again.

i am reading the "what would audrey do?"
ROMANCE CHAPTER!
so here we go. relationship advice, straight (kind of) from audrey!

here we go again.
until later, darling

i love...

2010-02-14T14:11:00.000-08:00

since it is valentine's day... the day of love... i am going to tell you the 14 things i love the most (well at least the 14 things i love the most that i can think of while writing this blog).

I have started reading that audrey book... "What Would Audrey Do?" and although i have some great ideas, i think in honor of audrey, this post needs to come first.

audrey had a passion for many things. when she loved someone or something she did with her entire self. audrey has shown me that even it's the smallest of things, if you love it, that's all that matters.

so here it goes. in no particular order =)

1. I love New York City. it was a dream to go there, and that dream came true. it's a city that always changes but never loses it's charm and beauty.

2. I love my best friend. without her i think i would die. she is always there for me, and she helps me realize that i am a good person and that i am worth it.

3. I love my family, i truly feel blessed to have them in my life. through thick and thin they have been there. they have helped me find myself when i am lost, and they show up at the right moments.

4. I love Bronx, my own Mr. Famous. although he has only been in my life for 3 and a half weeks, i love him to death. he gives me purpose, a schedule and a reason to smile.

5. I love the RAIN! and umbrellas. i always have and i always will. the smell, the clouds ah i just think rain is beautiful. and umbrellas, just a symbol of protection.

6. I love to be happy, even if i haven't been able to get there lately. it's been togh for me to find my way back, but thanks to the words of others (cough my best friend cough) i know that the fight is worth it.

7. I love to sit at home watching movies. i don't go out. it's not my thing. i love sitting at home watching movies, they all have memories and life and idk, i love them.

8. I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. soooo tasty. simple yet delicious.

9. I love to sleep. I really do. sleeping gives me a chance to start over.

10. I love stars, they have taught me to dream. stars have been a fascination of mine for as long as i can remember. i don't know why. other than their placement in the universe helps me dream.

11. I love writing, well writing informal things such as blog entries. writing gives me a chance to communicate my feelings, it gives m a chance to show who i really am. when i write, the walls come down. unless it's thesis writing, then i freak out.

12. I love that I am a survivor, and all of the opportunities and people it has brought me to. for years I hated my survivorship. i hated that I had to deal with the aftermath. i felt different. but for the past 5 years i have been seeing myself in a different light. i have been able to inspire people and inspire myself. i have been able to love myself. and i feel that i am getting there. everyone has bad days but being a survivor is part of who i am. and i love that. i also love that it has given me an opportunity to help others through American Cancer Society and Camp Ukandu. I lvoe every person i have met through these opportunities. I hate cancer, but i LOVE that i was given a second chance.

13. I love music, all kinds, but especially Gloriana. much of this blog has been dedicated to my love for this band. everyday i find another reason i love them. everyday they have an impact on my life. now i love all music, i really do. and i couldn't go a day without listening to some form of music, and i couldn't go a day without listening to gloriana. they are truly amazing.

14. I love Audrey Hepburn AND EVERYTHING SHE STOOD FOR. except for the smoking part.

Happy LOVE day
although, LOVE should be celebrated everyday.
until later, darling.

WWAD?

2010-02-08T23:09:00.000-08:00

I did do research... I PROMISE.
i made some purchases.
good ones.
got really excited about my renewed devotion to the NYR.
then got in a car accident.
totaled my car.
cancelled my trip to denver.
got slammed with hw and my thesis.

finally... a week later... i am here.
saying yet again that i will get back on track.
i mean ideally i could be doing better
but i guess i need to look on the brightside.
i still remember what my resolution is...

AND I BOUGHT A BOOK!

this book is going to be fun.
as soon as i finish reading "the last song" for the 4th time... I WILL BEGIN READING THIS. and i will document my thoughts and doubts and frustrations and yes... you get the point.

so let the journey begin.
AGAIN.
this time i have an outline. and since the book isn't just broken up into chapters but small sections within each chapter... i will have a lot to write about, without having to stress about a lot of reading. this will be good.

although... just by reading that back cover i am already... not living like audrey.
would audrey have tattoos, piercings or Myspace? the answer... NO. she didn't even have her ears pierced.
i have three tattoos. 6 piercings (5 in my ears, one in my nose) and a myspace page.
there's still hope right?
=)

until later, darling.

january has gone... absolutely ape!

2010-01-31T15:55:00.000-08:00

January 31st? REALLY?? obviously january is soon to be gone... and I am not doing so well on keeping up with the blog. it's been a busy month, and i have had issues thinking of various ways to continue incorporating audrey into my life. i must do some more research. that is the goal for after this post. AND THEN tomorrow i will update with my findings.

so besides buying audrey inspired dresses....
overdressing...
and doing the classic (now termed "bump it") audrey hair... in a classy way, not an over the top i'm from jersey shore... snooki sort of way. =)
i am not wuite sure how else to go about this.
more movies for inspiration?

i know i need to work on believing in myself.
i have the notions of friendship and how "the best thing in life to hold onto is each other" ... there will be a post about that soon. when the time is right. but i am stumped.

where to i go from here. terrible especially since i am about 31 days into the year.
now i think about my resolution everyday. maybe i need to put up more audrey pictures and quotes. hmmm. indeed.

i will continue thinking of ideas. and making a list. i hope to have that posted soon. until then... here are some pictures of my very own "mr. famous" BRONX =)

he was born on october 16th 2009. he's a holland lop and is just precious. he's quite the flirt too. but what leading man isn't? =)

this is his signature pose. i am in the process of training it. haha now he just uses it to look around. note the audrey movie on the tv in the background.. the audrey box set on the table.. and the adorableness of my leading man. =)

i am now on a mission.
and i will report back soon!

until later, darling.

my computer is about to die.

2010-01-22T15:54:00.001-08:00

so this is what has happened in the past couple days.
it's time to catch up.
get back on track.
and live like audrey! =)

1) i recently watched audrey's movie "War and Peace." although it was extremely long, i love it. i loved audrey's character natasha and found her highly relatable. down to the moment when she's on the balcaony porch thing talking with her best friend about the guy she just met and was instantly attracted to... all while that guy was in the room below hers, which also had a balcony porch thing. he later recited part of her monologue, and much to natasha's surprise he had heard it all, and felt the same way. i love old movies. i suggest the movie! i also need to find some more audrey movies! i have watched 6 of the 7 i have. i really want to see "hoe to steal a million" !! =)

2) january 20th was the 17th anniversary of audrey hepburn's death. on the day i dressed up wearing a 1950s inspired dress, heals and a peacoat to class. she is truly missed. her talent, her grace, her humanity, all have been unreached by any hollywood icon.

3) for those who did not know, audren had a yorkshire terrier named mr. famous. yesterday, i bought a hlland lop bunny, and named him bronx. although they are not the same animals, i feel like my bunny will not only keep me company but will become little piece of audrey influence i take everywhere! hehe. i love him. there will be pictures soon, so don't worry. bronx thomas elvis famous will be introduced to the blog world shortly. and yes he has 3 middle names. they may change. haha. but i think it's fun. he will always be my very own version of mr. famous.

4) although i have not been as busy, i have had a block. a writer's block and inspiration block and an audrey block. i feel that there are times i am not living up to my resolution... that i am unprepared to try and live such a graceful life, that i will never be able to be a fraction of the woman audrey was. i love to volunteer, to fight for those who don't have the voices loud enough to. i love animals, and dresses, and being myself (usually). i love quotes and love and believing. but here lately i have felt that all of that is not enough. which is straying from what audrey truly believed, which is in yourself.

so here we go.
i am not starting over, merely picking up where i left off.
it's like the typical diet new year's resolution.
if you eat a brownie one day, or 5 days in a row, that doesn't mean your a lost cause.
or that your diet is.
or really that your diet should never consist of brownies.
but back to audrey.
i am going to have my days, but audrey can provide guidance.
i am going to have my brownie and eat it too.

until later, darling.

getting back on track...

2010-01-19T19:34:00.000-08:00

did audrey have bad days?
days where she left like being herself was the last thing she wanted?

lately things have been tough. stress makes one quite homesick, and homesickness only gets worse when you drive 5 hours to spend a weekend with your best friend. that drive back, not so fun.

but i guess i always come back to audrey, trying to pull myself together, to believe in what i have rather than what i don't, to see the world as a light rather than eternal darkness. so now i is time to get back on track.

a bit of a reflection...
last tuesday i got a tattoo. this tattoo sort of wrapped everything i believe in into one beautiful image. it stands for beauty and nonconformity that i see in audrey. it stands for glory which is quite evident what that points to... gloriana. it also stands for strength and intelligence and knowledge. but most of all it stands for heeling, and a cure. cancer has played a roll in my life from the time i was diagnosed when i was a year old. i am still heeling, 21 years later. this image highlights the battles i have fought and provides strength for those still to come. it also proves (to me) that being a survivor is beautiful, and worth showing off. This tattoo gives me hope, and helps me see that my life is a second chance, and that my brother's life is a second chance. a step off of the path of normalcy, yet still as beautiful as ever. i got this tattoo to bring together every important aspect of my life. the beauty for audrey and my best friend. the strength for all of my family and friends that have been there for me. the hope for life in general, and for a cure. the non-conformity for being myself, and the knowledge for my brother who has provided me with more life lessons a day than any person ever could. of course these pieces, or shall i say feathers, overlap and provide meaning beyond the words they are attached to in this blog post.

my tattoo, is a peacock feather. it is beautiful. and i am forever grateful for the messages that are now permanently drawn on my shoulder.

audrey didn't have tattoos, or crazy piercings. when i was getting my tattoo the question was asked... "is this like audrey?" no, it's like me. and audrey has inspired me to be me, and to be ok with that. there is stil a lot of work to be done, the heeling process is never quite finished, but always working.

everyday is different. but everyday i am still the same person, and sometimes i need a reminder that the person that i am is not bad. but also that's it's not audrey, it's me. and that's how audrey believed. so often she was idealized and copied so that everyone could attain audrey's look, when in reality to be like audrey, you had to be yourself. now of course you can always dress like audrey, whil still being yourself. tomorrow will be complete evidence of that. so be ready for pictures! and it's wednesday... the dress like audrey day. =)

until later, darling.

it has... been a while??

2010-01-18T23:25:00.000-08:00

I am still living like audrey.
it has just been a BUSY week!!!
the first draft of my thesis was due.
i had tons of other homework beyond that.
and i had a writing block...
along with hmm... some other moments that will be documented in tomorrow's post.
but right now, it's time for some sleep.

until later, darling.

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

2010-01-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

01/10/2010
..........
01.08.2010
Living Like Audrey
Every once in a while, a single interaction with one of our fans reminds us to step back and reflect on how incredibly lucky we are to be able to reach so many of you. Writing songs and playing our music for you is what we love to do and it means the world to us that you guys appreciate what we're doing out here! We've said it before and we'll say it again... Gloriana fans are AMAZING!

the entry above is from Gloriana's official website.
yeah... I KNOW.

to say i am shocked and excited would be the understatement of the century. three days ago i wrote this blog entry about how my life had changed. in the two days that followed, it happened again. i guess Gloriana really did show me that they had read this. and for that i am more than thankful.

i have been staring at the various pieces of evidence that the 8th of january actually happened. that my blog was read by some of the most amazing people in the world. not only did the members of Gloriana read the words i wrote, but they shared my words with the world. i never expected any of this. in all honesty, the most i could have ever wished for would be for glorana to reply to my post on their facebook wall, but i got more than that when i opened my phone to the text messages updating me on the updates gloriana made to their facebook and that rachel made to her twitter. i was away from the internet all day, and was nervous about coming home yesterday to see all of this in person.

i am still in awe. i am still beyond happy, and i still cry when i go to gloriana's facebook and see that they told me that THEY were the lucky ones. that they are the lucky ones... THAT THEY ARE THE LUCKY ONES. SERIOUSLY? and to be called one of their favorite fans. i am honored, beyond honored and so entirely speechless. and i thought the concert changed my life.

“Pick the day. Enjoy it - to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come... The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future.”

the past - september 30th 1987 - january 6th 2010 - the 22 years it took me to realize that being beautiful is not a definition to be taken from the surface. but rather beauty comes from within, and it's only once that it realized can one see the true beauty on the outside. i have always wanted to inspire people with my story, but the problem with that came when i lacked the ability to see my own inspiration. on january 6th it was more than a picture, more than a surface view i began to see. accepting my physical features helped me fully accept how i got them, and that accetance allowed me to feel whole.

the present - for this i am considering the present to be everything between 01/06/2010 to today, 01/10/2010. the past has truly provided me with a new appreciation for the present, and i am not talking about the concert, but rather the way i used to see myself. i cannot tell myself that not believing in myself was a waste of time, i cannot dread on those moments i spent disapproving of myself, because those moments got me here. they helped me arrive at my true self. sure it may have taken a little bit of time, but i have learned to appreciate everything, and now that i do feel whole, now that i can look at myself as a survivor, and a storyteller, as a fan and as an inspiration i know i will continue to see myself in this light. that moment sitting on my bed after the gloriana concert was more than a moment of finding myself physically acceptable or beautiful, but rather i began to truly see myself as acceptable, beautiful, strong and happy.

the future - my first reaction to all of this was... "what if i never get to see them again? what if i never get to tell gloriana thank you, in person?" but i saw quite quickly that their impact on my life was slightly mirrored in my impact on them. and for that, whatever the future brings i won't forget this. how could i? i can't fret about the concerts that tom mentioned should happen in june, or the thesis paper i have due on friday. i have to...

pick my day, and enjoy it - to the hilt. - so can i pick this day. and by this day i mean combining january 6th through today january 10th and this moment? i want to pick all of this shock, this happiness, this connection. see this blog was read by family and friends, and since my written words communicate much better than my spoken ones, i was not only praised by gloriana, but my best friend, my brother, my mom and various other friend and members of my family. not to mention the fans.

audrey hepburn inspired me to live my life, to love my life, and to use what i have to do more for the world. never did i expect for this to have such a profound effect so quickly.

i am so thankful.
tom, rachel, mike and cheyenne - you made my day, and everyday since then, and i will never forget this. i love you all. more than a blog could ever express. you are... AMAZING. you all gave me back my reason to believe.

until later, darling.

ps. just as a warning to anyone reading this blog... i will probably continue to draft thank yous in every blog. these past couple days were so unexpected and brought me so much happiness, i am not sure if i will ever know how to thank them, let alone thanking them enough. =) this journey has just begun.

pps the title of this blog contains lyrics from a song called "dream" by priscilla ahn. the stars have smiled down on me. more than i ever could have hoped... or dreamed.

"I have no illusions about my looks. I think my face is funny."

2010-01-07T16:34:00.000-08:00

01/06/09 and 01/07/09

last night i had the opportunity to see one of my favorite bands in the entire world. well actually they are my favorite. ever. GLORIANA. the band includes Tom and Mike Gossin, Rachel Reinert and Cheyenne Kimball. the three hour road trip took me and a good friend to the kitting factory in boise idaho. the concert was fantastic, but meeting the band afterward (for the third time) was the highlight. it was also the main inspiration for this post. and for the next step to in my resolution to live like audrey.

"funny face" a 1957 film with audrey hepburn and fred astaire is helping me see myself a bit differently. i have always had insecurities of my own funny face. having been diagnosed with cancer at as a baby, the radiation treatment left me with... scars. my face is in the shape of a... peanut? (haha) and my eyes often illuminate with white rather then red. there are many other imperfections i could continue to discuss, but that's not the point of this post. having met gloriana a few times i constantly ridicule myself in the pictures i take with them. from my token excited smile, to my eyes, to just about everything else. a refusal to accept myself. and to be ok with myself. but last night, everything changed.

i was excited, well... BEYOND EXCITED to see gloriana again. they always put on a great show and are amazing during the meet and greet signing they always do after the set. i had to opportunity to meet them again last night and as mike would say "update the pictures." after getting the group picture down (the video debacle and the non-flash pictures, which turned out to be my favorite) it was time to take individual pictures with the band members. first was rachel, now every picture i take with rachel turns out... well good for her?! =) she is one of the nicest people i have ever met, and would love to have a good picture (of me) with her. next to audrey, rachel is an idol of mine. but while mike was taking the picture i mentioned that i wanted to see the picture before we left ... to make sure it looked ok.

after rachel it was my turn to take a picture with cheyenne. she was so nice, and the picture was taken, and i still hadn't seen what they looked like. then came the infamous prom shot with tom. this one prompted insecurities like no other. as ridiculous as it sounds. tom is amazing, he's so sincere and genuine. and attractive, so of course i don't want to look bad. i was afraid of looking chubby, or to have my eyes bug out (it happens... muscle issues around the eyeballs. long story that may be discussed at a later date). after the picture with tom came the regularly scheduled updated picture with mike. mike is awesome, so funny and the first member of gloriana i ever met (plus we have matching tattoos). even though mike was not able to top the prom pose, i was sure it would turn out... ok i hoped it would.

after the pictures i asked tom for another one, haha i love taking pictures with the members of gloriana. it makes it real, and frankly sometimes hanging out with them feels like a dream instead of reality. they always make you feel welcome and loved. they truly appreciate their fans, which makes all of the miles traveled to see them completely worth it. after the pictures were taken cheyenne and rachel headed to the bus, hugs were given along with thank yous and words of amazingness. we stayed and chatted with tom for a bit about the next NW tour dates and the excitement they all had for the upcoming Australia tour. more hugs were given (and i won't lie, i almost cried) goodbyes were said and my friend and i left the knitting factory and boise so excited it took up most of the conversation for the trip home.

i guess now it's time to get to where i talk about how all of this pertains to my new year's resolution. and actually saying this out loud (or typing it) will definitely bring tears to my eyes because this is such a huge moment for me, and it's something i have struggled with my entire life.

when i got back to my apartment i whipped out my camera to check the pictures. i won't lie, i was nervous. the members of gloriana always look flawless, and i always fear that i am not even remotely close. but this is where the audrey moment happened. while looking at the pictures i realized that they are of me. truly me. yes i have my excited smile. it looks cheesy, but is truly sincere. yes the white spot in my left eye (it's the reflection of the flash off of the tumor scar tissue), my cheeks are bright red, and gloriana indeed looks amazing. the prom picture is awkward but pleasantly goofy. slowly but surely i grew to be happy with what i saw, which if you know me at all... i am very rarely happy with pictures of myself. i usually only like them if i am purposefully making a goofy face, because that allows my imperfection to be.. planned?

but moving on. i am trying to figure out how to wrap this up without continuing this novel. i will post a link to my blog on the gloriana facebook hoping that maybe they'll have a chance to read this book and see how they (not just their music) impact people. those pictures, with those amazing people (along with deciding to live my life like audrey) gave me a chance to be happy with myself. and to begin to truly value everything about me without being disappointed.

these pictures, this band, and my new year's resolution has already begun to change my life. and i'm only 7 days into it. i am starting to realize that my "funny face" is my face. and yes it may due to uncontrollable life events but those events made me who i am. and i am so grateful for gloriana taking the time to pose for pictures with fans, for having survived cancer, and for audrey hepburn for inspiring me to live a life i was so uncomfortable with. so here are the pictures. (also note, yesterday was dress like audrey day. there's a pea coat and a classic audrey-inspired hair-do)

cheyenne and me.

me and mike g!!!

the prom pose with tom/prom gossin and me =)

me and rachel. and rachel if you ever read this know that you are such an amazing person. having met you 3 times you have always been so grateful and generous (as have the rest of gloriana) but i do look up to you. you are so talented and amazing. i always look forward to meeting you. always. next to audrey you are my idol. thank you.

here's the successful group picture, with the flash working. although i like the non-flash picture better, i had to post this.

and here it is. the blurry group photo that is currently one of my favorite pictures ever. filled with great memories and amazing people.

thank you gloriana for being a constant part of my life during one of my roughest years. from your music to your concerts and M&Gs. thank you.

until later, darling.

**update... (it's now the 8th of january) yesterday after i wrote this it kept hitting me that this was not some fluke. it's crazy, i'm not quite sure how to describe it without providing entirely too much information about myself. but in all reality, this post held more truth than some would like to admit. as the day continued i realized more than once how present gloriana is in my day to day life, and how much i rely on their funny videos and music, especially. i guess gloriana is like home (like my second home), you know you can't be there all of the time, but when you are you feel whole, and so happy you know the moment cannot get any better. ok. now that i sounds slightly like a crazy person... i should draw this to an end. and gloriana if you are reading this (um... please let me know somehow. haha =) ) know that i am not a crazy person, but really just someone who discloses everything in this blog. haha. and thank you. again. for the millionth time. you've changed my life.

great in the eyes of someone...

2010-01-05T21:12:00.000-08:00

"i believe in pink"
-audrey

this is why the layout is pink...

the real quote for today.

"i believe in kissing, kissing a lot"

there is an entire quote and group of close to 70 words that i have written on newspapers displayed on a corner in my living room. one day i will post a picture, but today i will just talk about this one line. the kissing one. the one that fits with dreams, fairy tales, wishes, lyrics, hopes and beliefs. while reading about audrey the other day i was suprised that this woman who made romance real, not fairy tale like, but real (with a touch of magic) had difficulty finding it in real life. audrey was married twice but ultimately found the marriages less than that of epic hollywood movies. there was a quote about her last relationship, the one she was in up until she died; where she said that she had found happiness, and then sarcastically adding that it had taken long enough.

as a 22 year old girl/woman/lady (what is it that one should call themself at a time like this) i am (un)patiently waiting for my epic love story. my so-called fairy tale. now before i let your mind run with this idea, i must define a few things. i don't believe want the cinderella, belle, ariel or snow white version of a fairy tale. those stories have been told. i have my own. and i don't define a fair tale as being something unimaginable, my fairy tale will be real. whether it's falling in love with a boy from class, or a passenger on a subway, or the quarterback of the florida gators (baha) i don't have to fall asleep, lose a shoe, become a mermaid or eat a poison apple i just have to fall in love. with that said... here's where the quote comes in.

i may be stepping on a soap box, or releaving too much, but it's a thought that has been in my mind far too often here lately. and i don't think it's fair. i don't think it's right. and i don't want to lose faith in my fairy tale because of it. all of audrey's movies (ok... well at least the ones i ahve seen to this date) have this romantic embrace and kiss. it's beautiful. it's not a drawn out sex scene, it's a moment caught on camera that displays affection (well public) at its finest. it's epic and the thing little girls dream about. to be chased out of a cab or to be found lounging on the deck of a boat, or to be tracked down to exact location where she realized her love was real... not some outlandish 'love' scene, but a kiss. this, this kiss, does not exsist. anywhere. even disney movies poke fun at fit (hense "lips are the only thing that touch" in 'enchanted' when giselle is singing about love). i see that as lighthearted ignorance protrayed on all of those who find imporance over kissing as some ridiculous notion. i am a hopeless romantic. i believe in those epic kissing scenes at the end of old movies.

i will now step off my soap box now.
because i believe in kissing. and kissing a lot. in epic moments. in old school hollywood romances. in fairy tales. and i believe in love. true love. not the stuff in movies, tv shows, music videos and photographs everyone sees today. i am old fashioned, and traditional. and whether or not audrey lived like she did in her movies in real life, this is how i am going to live like audrey. for the momentous hopeless romantic moments all girls still deserve to believe in.

now i will promise that not all of my posts will be so... out there. this one just hit close to home lately, and well i am going to be like audrey in 'funny face' and believe in myself and my ideals. i am going to be like audrey in 'breakfast at tiffany's' when holly finally believes in herself, and not in just living to get through.

so i'll be waiting for my own moment. my own fairy tale. my own audrey-esq romantic ending. my own kiss.

until later, darling.

and ps... today i had planned to have a dress like audrey day. but it decided to rain. so i threw out pieces of the look... added rainboots, skinny jeans, and a black sweater. tomorrow=back to dress liek audrey day. that is, as audrey as she believed people couple be. inspired pieces, with a touch og myself.

2010-01-05T15:08:00.000-08:00

thank you autumn!
ok. now i will get started on some homework.
but not my thesis.
today's official audrey post is coming soon.

until later, darling.

a look back at yesterday

2010-01-05T12:10:00.000-08:00

01/04/2010
on the night of the 3rd, before going to bed i decided to do some research, to learn more about audrey. who she was, what she did, how she lived. now i won't discuss everything full, hat's what the next well 361 days are for.

but my one discovery was how amazing this woman was. and how she lived her life so beautifully, yet she wasn't perfect, but her imperfections made her the icon she is today. her wikipedia page was fascinating. and that's when i knew...

so day one. post a quote, the quote that started it all. wear bright, bold, solid colors while still maintaing the audrey way of life, BE YOURSELF. and of course the solidity of the colors was definitely audrey.

and now we are up to date. except before i can write my actual post for today, 01/05/2010 i need to get ready for class, and finish up a few pieces of homework.

until later, darling.

the new year's resolution

2010-01-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

01/01/2010

lets take this idea back a few days. last year, my new year's resolution was a lifestyle change, i decided to becme a vegetarian (and yes, i have decided to keep it going past the 365 day deadline). But for this year, I wanted something fun, challenging, unique and something that made me happy.

I spent new year's day on the couch at my best friend's house watching the oregon ducks lose their way through the rose bowl. then i returned home [just one second the hot water for my cup of tea is about to wistle] [the water is now in the cup, and my tea is brewing]. so i returned home and proceeded to watch the florida gators rip through cinci and win the sugar bowl. the gator quarterback, tim tebow is basically god, and well he helped lead me to a new year's resolution. at that point i updated my facebook and twitter to say that my 2010 resolution was to marry tim tebow.

genius i know.

BUT... i started to think about the work tebow has done through his life. from charity work to missions to well dressing fabulously well. and that brought me to my idol, AUDREY HEPBURN. but that's where the thought ended...

01/02/2010
ah the second day of the new year, and still no resolution. i felt slighlty let down... since last year had such potential for greatness, and this year... well the resolution was completley absent... moving on.

01/03/2010
the drive back to school.
always depressing.
and still without a resolution.
but once i got home, unpacked my car and settled into my apartment.. i turned on an audrey movie to make me feel better.
audrey hepburn = happiness.
and so "paris, when it sizzles" was the movie... and one quote game me the inspiration for my resolution.