still a lot to work on.

the past year has seen insane, amazing, and optimistic life changes.

but today i realized, my journey with excepting everything i have gone through is only just beginning.

i am still scared of being judged. of what people will think. and whether or not anyone (who doesn't already know) will understand.

being a cancer survivor is who i am. not in a bad way. not in the way that it's the first thing i say... but it is one of the most important things about my life.

cancer is why i do what i do.

cancer is why i am the person that i am.

i don't live my life waiting for a reoccurance or another diagnosis.

i live my life with the intention that i can make a difference so that no other child has to go through what i went through.

yes it has brought me to where i am today. and i wouldn't change any of it.

but telling someone for the first time. breaking down those walls, no matter who they are... it is still so hard. it still hurts. i get anxious and stressed and am always afraid i have said too much.

but at least i'm talking about it.
all of it.

mana'olana

until later, darlings.

dream proposal.

Tiffany & Co. winter ad.

nyc.

snow.

love.

the end,

readers? followers? fans? stalkers?

since i know you're reading...

maybe i will be writing.

more.

i know who you are.

and thank you.

until later, darling(s)

what do you do when your dreams don't come true?

a few weeks ago i interviewed for a job at an organization i care a lot about. i have spent a lot of time with these group and truly believe i belonged there, right now. i wanted to work for them, i believed in their mission and i was excited about the future.

after a while i became anxious and impatient because i hadn't heard anything. i came up with these back-up plans, but i guess i never thought i would need them. then the follow-up email came today...

i didn't get the job.

there was a long time where i thought i had it. where i wanted to believe so badly that this was where i was meant to be. but now i am not sure. i have always had my doubts, but maybe this isn't my path. ok, let's get real... obviously it's not (at least for right now). i didn't get the job... i need to find something else.

but what?

i had my mind set on this. on staying in Portland, at least for now. but now i don't know. i don't want to get too comfortable. there are things i want to do, but maybe i put too many eggs in one basket, because now i don't feel like i know how.

kind of feel like i am starting over, and i don't know how. i don't know where to go from the beginning i felt at home, i felt like that was exactly where i was supposed to be. even after the doubts and frustrations, i believed in this organization, and truly thought they believed in me. but at least for right now, i am not a good fit. i need to get experience (well if that wasn't the understatement of the century.) i need to live, but here as a 24 year old... i don't feel like i know how.

a few months ago i had the life-changing experience... then i started an internship and truly began to learn about what i wanted out of my career. when i went back to maui in november.. i felt like it was all coming together. all of this divine timing and great opportunities. it's all i talked about. well what a bust. it didn't work out. i've gotta start over.

thankfully i am surrounded by amazing people. these people who wanted to know if there was any word on the position or updates... and when i told them, their overwhelming support brought tears to my eyes. to have people that are you "biggest cheerleaders" and who support you so wholeheartedly is the best thing in the world.

sure, i am still bitter. maybe a little angry. and kind of a lot confused and slightly lost as to where to go now... but i have my entire life ahead of me. so i find new dreams... learn something else. find another organization or career that i fit into better.

not quite sure where.

there's the idea of moving.
not holding on to "what could be" but making it happen and moving on if it doesn't.

i just don't know.
now i am ranting and rambling.

maybe i will find some sort of clarity... soon.
maybe?

until later, darling.

lamp posts

today i decided i was going to do something for ME...

something to kind of take my mind off of all of the craziness and emotions.

so i am making an album on fbook dedicated to light fixtures...

because i love them.


i also love my o'hana!

it was soooo nice to fbook chat with everyone today!

words of wisdom... wisdom of words

not to long ago i was told something...

this phrase, this key to life, this lesson is sticking with me.

it's more than just a lifestyle or a dream or something to strive for...

it's real.

and right now it's hitting harder than ever.

what does it mean to be scared?

yet to be able to wander into the world being fearless...

but not fearless in the sense that you aren't necessarily afraid...

more being exciting that you are a bit scared.

it makes you feel alive.

it allows you to live.

as long as you don't let it hold you back.

i am scared.

i am at this turning point... this transition period.

i have no idea what is going to happen.

so here are those words of wisdom

and may you find the wisdom in these words

there comes a point in your life when you are scared, when you have to choose between settling and being 'comfortable' and stepping outside that comfort box. to put yourself on the line for what you want. if you're scared, if you're anxious, if you're willing to put it all on the line just to see what happens, if you're willing t bet on yourself... but most of all... if that path that is in fron of you is testing you, making you anxious and you're a little scared... you're in the right place. go for it.

until later, darlings.

the best thing to hold onto in life, is each other.

I am sitting here after sleeping on the beach and wondering how I am going to be able to say goodbye to the most amazing people I have met in my life. I was blessed to be able to return to the beautiful island of Maui for the second survivor camp with athletes for cancer. When I came I knew it would be different from the last camp, but I wsnt sure how different if could be. I different I could allow myself to be.

My life has changed.

Again.

The first time around I was able to let go. Or begin to let go of my past, of the negativity that had surrounded my life, my diagnosis, and my survivorship. I remember specific moments with specific people that completely pinpoint these moments of change... How do I thank them?

This camp I have let myself share my story, not the old one... The real one. The story that has allowed me to live for the first time since surviving cancer.

At this camp I have been allowed to meet the most amazing, strong, loving, genuine, powerful, tenacious, beautiful people. I don't know how to tell them how much they mean to me. And I don't know how to tell them that I don't want to let go.

This week will stay with all of us forever. It will be this beacon of hope and this story of pride for all of us. I have no doubt that we will keep in touch and share life beyond the island of Maui. Its learning to tell people how much they mean to me that is a problem.

That problem is probably rooted in my past, in not allowing myself to truly live for fear of someone leaving me. Not leaving me in the sense of dying (although the thought of that frightens terribly) more leaving ME because I am not good enough. And this is the insecurity I have had the most difficulty breaking. That fear of rejection. I like to admit that it isn't there... But it is. I need to accept that to be able to move on.

And here we go... Back to audrey -because don't all things amazing find a way back-

'the best thing to hold onto in life, is each other'

These amazing people are not going anywhere but back home. They are not leaving my life... Well if I can help it. :)

There aren't words (that I know how to SAY, write? Now that's a different story) to describe how much each and everyone of these people has changed my life... Has given me life.

Through their love and support I have learned to live. Live a life I wasn't sure I could, and live it with faith that it will all work out the way that it should.

This is the life we are all meant to live. The one that is fearless, and strong. aware and powerful. emotional and sacred. REAL AND ALIVE.

o'hana.
family.
faith.
love.
mana'olana.

I am not letting you go.

(until later, darling)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry